


between the wars

by i_am_not



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec has good friends, Bittersweet, Bittersweet Ending, Canon Divergence, Despair, Domestic Bliss, Dreams and Nightmares, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Five Stages of Grief, Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Hope, Hopeful Ending, Husbands, Insecurity, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Political Unrest, Post-Canon, Romance, Songfic, War, angst like woah
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-03-25
Packaged: 2021-02-23 01:23:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23003521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_am_not/pseuds/i_am_not
Summary: song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YYizUhWVo8k"I want to go away, Alec," Magnus had whispered to him one night; they were sat in the balcony of their loft, both staring at the midnight sky as Chairman Meow slept peacefully on Alec’s lap. Even then, he'd known how tired and weary Magnus was; the reforms and Alicante’s high society had finally taken a toll on him, even if Magnus refused to show signs of slowing down, the effects were showing in the fine lines and dark circles that had appeared on his usually flawless skin. Sighing, Magnus had stretched and leaned against him, resting his head against Alec’s shoulder as they gazed up at the stars."Do you want to run away? You and I. We could just leave." Alec had said on a whim.Magnus had smiled wide and kissed him deeply, waking Chairman Meow up, who yowled loudly before slinking off into their drawing-room."I just . . . want to get away. Just once." Magnus had finally said. “We haven’t been anywhere in two years.”"Anywhere you want to go, I'll gladly go with you," Alec had murmured.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 28
Kudos: 62
Collections: Alec x Magnus, Fluff vs. Angst Battle 2020, Magnus Bane x Alec Lightwood, Malec, The Best of Malec





	between the wars

* * *

_between the wars we danced  
between the wars we laughed  
don't wake me yet  
steal the rest  
hasn't happened  
hasn't happened yet_

* * *

**I**

Alec lifted the cold glass to his lips.

It was empty. He couldn’t recall how long it had been empty; he couldn’t recall how long he’d had it in his hand. He didn’t even know how long he’d been in this room. There were no windows, only two small rectangular slits on the wall opposite the one with the door. Alec distantly observed the dim quality of light in the room, _like an_ _accurate_ _reflection of his own state of mind_ , he thought bitterly. The sofa underneath him began to feel lumpy and he shifted uncomfortably. The plant in the corner looked uncared for.

He set the glass down on the coffee table with a steady hand and looked up at the clock. The second hand was trickling along, spilling out seconds like blood on the concrete steps. 

The door creaked open. 

“Hey,” Jace said, “It's time to go.”

Alec nodded, a little wide-eyed, standing up slowly. He watched the clock count a few more seconds. 

His voice was uneven when he finally managed to speak, “I want to see him.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Isabelle said carefully, making her way towards Alec and reaching to hold his hand.

“I don’t care,” Alec said, moving away. “H—He’s here,” he felt his throat close up, “isn’t he?”

Lydia was outside the door, she nodded at them as they passed by.

“Yes,” Jace said once they were alone in the corridor. “But he’s—Magnus wouldn’t want you to see—”

Alec stopped, balling his hands into fists to keep his tone steady, “We don’t know what he would have wanted.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Jace said. “He wouldn’t want you to see him—not like this. He loved—”

“Don’t,” Alec warned. “Don’t you dare say that!”

“Alec—”

“Just for a minute, just to—” Alec’s tone wavered, “Just to be sure. And then we—we’ll leave.”

"Okay," Isabelle resigned; shut her eyes briefly, and when she spoke again, it was like the words were being dragged out of her. “If that’s what you want.”

Alec wanted to laugh, but there was a lump in his throat. “None of this,” he gritted out, “is what I want.”

“Alec,” Jace pleaded as they reached the elevator. “Izzy will take care of this. Raphael’s outside, he’ll take us back to—“

“Just, tell me where he is,” Alec bit out.

Jace ran a hand through his hair deliberately. When he looked back, Alec met his eyes.

“Please.”

Jace exhaled deeply, “Downstairs.”

Alec pressed the descent button by the elevator.

* * *

> Magnus,

Alec’s hand trembled uncontrollably. His heart sped up and tears welled up immediately. Alec tries to put his thoughts to paper, Simon told him it might help. He'll try anything. He had promised Simon he would try. He desperately wants to make sense of this impossible chasm he carries every waking moment. He had to try.

> I always thought I’d die first—

Alec tore the page, scrunched it up in a ball and threw it away. Maybe not today.

* * *

Weeks later, Catarina turned up with Madzie and Chairman Meow, followed by Clary. Madzie had already traded in her infant clothes for the pretty dresses that Magnus used to spoil her with. The three girls bustling around the house, making a fuss about dinner gave Alec some sense of structure as he and Madzie sat solving a two hundred piece puzzle.

Alec and Magnus both were settling into their tenth year of marriage, Alec was bidding adieu to his twenties; it had been a time full of growth—growing older together and trying to understand exactly what it would mean to raise a child, or children, together—as they increasingly spent their weekends accompanying a rapidly growing Madzie around Alicante and New York and the Chinatowns she fixated on, for some reason. To be lovers, best friends, and possible parents.

Not everything was easy, there had been fights over ridiculous things, spats over who was more exhausted than the other—“Surely, you could never win that argument, Alexander. I’m over four hundred years old.” Magnus used to say and it never failed to make Alec smile and forget why they were even quarrelling, always—or who needlessly indulged Madzie. But for what it was worth, Alec had never been more content with his life. Not for the first time in his life, he had realized how happy Magnus made him. This was what it meant to truly love someone—Alec was certain of it. To love them more than you ever _thought_ about yourself; love could be selfish and angry or calm and gentle. It could be a thousand different things, and with each day spent with Magnus, Alec kept learning something new.

Eyes burning, Alec now looked at the approved adoption papers before preparing to discard them, or put them away, he couldn’t decide.

"It gets easier" Clary promised, touching his forearm in a surprisingly gentle gesture. "Never easy, just easier.”

Alec smiled wanly.

“Magnus told me so," Clary said, slipping her arms around Alec’s arm and resting her head on his shoulder.

* * *

> Magnus,
> 
> I'm so mad at you. You had no right to leave me. You promised! I hope you know that, wherever you are. I'll never be the same again. You've taken a part of me away with you.

_Keep me safe with you_ , Alec whispered aloud to himself, _my only love_.

> Magnus, I keep fixating on this, desperately wanting it to be true. Waiting for you to open the door any second now, and kiss me like you used to. But it's mainly Izzy, Izzy with a sadness in her eyes I haven't seen before. Maybe once, when she was worried Max would die but you saved him. Like you saved me. Like you saved all of us. We talked about what it would be like for one of us to lose the other. But that's not how it works. You don't lose anyone. You aren't lost!
> 
> I close my eyes and here you are. Just like you used to be—

Alec tears out the page and feeds it to the flame in the fireplace.

* * *

Right after the war, Magnus had been promoted to the status of High Warlock of Alicante. They’d married quickly at the New York institute, spent a much longer honeymoon and then in their fifth year together, Alec made Consul and Magnus was invited into the scholar’s circle in the Spiral Labyrinth.

Two years later, Magnus successfully submitted a writ for desegregation of the Nephilim and Downworlders and Alec used his influence to pass it as law. While the majoritarian views supported the reforms and the Nephilim also joined in celebrating the peak of Magnus’ career, the backlash from the changes manifested in rising dissent from families who thrived on the archaic tradition that privileged them. Inquiries from reporters and threats from deranged aspiring neo-Circle members pressed in on them and their family from all sides. And while Alec had placed more than one restraining order on a Nephilim and odd Downworlder who was relentless in seeking his husband out, the attention seemed ceaseless. If Magnus had been a celebrity before, he was a global star now. It was the first time anyone—much less a _Downworlder_ had been able to eliminate the very laws that benefited those of Alec’s own bloodline.

"I want to go away, Alec," Magnus had whispered to him one night; they were sat in the balcony of their loft, both staring at the midnight sky as Chairman Meow slept peacefully on Alec’s lap. Even then, he'd known how tired and weary Magnus was; the reforms and Alicante’s high society had finally taken a toll on him, even if Magnus refused to show signs of slowing down, the effects were showing in the fine lines and dark circles that had appeared on his usually flawless skin. Sighing, Magnus had stretched and leaned against him, resting his head against Alec’s shoulder as they gazed up at the stars.

"Do you want to run away? You and I. We could just leave." Alec had said on a whim.

Magnus had smiled wide and kissed him deeply, waking Chairman Meow up, who yowled loudly before slinking off into their drawing-room.

"I just . . . want to get away. Just once." Magnus had finally said. “We haven’t been anywhere in two years.”

"Anywhere you want to go, I'll gladly go with you," Alec had murmured, intertwining their fingers together. It was always calm like this—when they were together and the rest of the world faded away in silence. He waited for Magnus to respond, prepared to up and leave at a moment’s notice, wherever Magnus’ fancy struck: Tokyo, Athens, Berlin, Alec was ready to go. When Magnus finally spoke with a sly smile, he really shouldn't have been as amazed as he felt.

"For now, come to bed with me, _dear_ husband?"

Alec had kissed him back urgently. 

* * *

At the age of thirty-one, right before their tenth anniversary, Alec had lost Magnus.

The unrest amongst the ancient Nephilim families who opposed the desegregation had kept growing as time passed. The weeks turned into months, and just when Alec had been fervently hoping that things might calm down enough for them to steal away on that trip they desperately needed, it happened. The target had been the Consulate, it had been a careful plan since Magnus hardly operated from there. And Alec would never forgive himself for not having been there with Magnus.

To this day, Alec doesn't know all the details; a part of him never wants to know. All he had comprehended then was: that an ex-Circle member had planned the attack; their imprisonment having ended two years prior, just in time to see the laws passed.

He'd been told that Magnus didn't suffer, though that meant nothing to him in the end. The grime and filth of Alicante had cruelly snatched away his husband from him, and there was nothing Alec could do. He had wanted to gather Magnus’ broken body in his arms; to somehow fix him and bring him back to life. Alec had wanted to see that soft smile on Magnus’ lips and that mole above his right eyebrow and the way his hair hung over it after a shower. He wanted to feel the solidity of his husband’s body against his own, and he wanted to inhale the spicy scent of Magnus’ thinly-applied perfume. He wanted everything that had been ripped from his hands, and for the first time in more than ten years, Alec felt utterly helpless and alone.

When he had finally seen Magnus lying prone, broken and bereft of life, the only thing he had been able to do was kiss him. But it wasn't the same—he was gone. 

* * *

> Dear Magnus,
> 
> I can't breathe. Once more, you are the reason I can't. But nowadays it's because you aren’t here. Raphael asked me if I’d do anything differently if it meant having you back? I told him, no, I told him that every child having equal access to resources, regardless of the situation of their birth was what you wanted. And that I did too. But I'd be lying to myself if I didn’t tell you that I’d do everything differently. I’d die to have you back. Kill to have you back, for that matter.
> 
> I should stop doing this. Or maybe I should stop drinking so much. There's been so much work since you began your institute.
> 
> Lydia looks at me like I’m lost. I don’t know, I guess she’d know; do you remember? She has lost her husband too.
> 
> But a Downworlder marrying a Shadowhunter, you're lucky you didn't get us both killed. Magnus . . . you taught me a healthy disregard for these stupid rules and I just can’t—

Alec struck a match and watched the page catch fire, going out in small wisps of smoke and the lingering smell of ink.

* * *

"I can't believe you married me," Alec said, his voice was breathy, as Magnus rolled off of him and snuggled close. Both of them giddy from pleasure and their bodies sweaty.

"Me neither, you're a terrible dancer."

"Shut up, I'm trying to be serious" Alec scoffed, “And I’m not entirely terrible.”

"That’s an entirely different conversation, dear husband,"

Alec’s mouth widened into a grin. “I like that.”

“What?”

Alec clasped Magnus’ wrist and pulled him closer to himself. “When you call me ‘husband’.”

“Just another fact,” Magnus replied, his face lighting up with amusement.

"I don't know.” Alec said, “boys like you don't end up with boys like me—"

"First of all—I'm not a boy." Magnus scoffed, sliding his hand up to touch Alec's lips and turn his face towards him, "secondly, what does 'boys like you' even mean? Charming? Hot as fuck? Brave? Kind?"

Alec blushed "No, I meant—"

"You saved my life, Alec," Magnus said, leaning in.

"And you saved mine," Alec murmured against his mouth.

* * *

_between the wars, we will stay_  
_fading echoes spin in the way_  
_we’ll stand by worried_  
_in the memory_  
_I steal the rest_  
_hasn’t happened_  
_hasn’t happened yet_

* * *

> His phone was ringing.
> 
> Alec scrambled towards the bedside table. “Hello?”
> 
> “It’s me,” Magnus said.
> 
> Alec sat straight up. “Where are you?”
> 
> Magnus chuckled mischievously. “You know I’m not going to tell you that.”
> 
> “I’ll find you,” Alec said. “You know that, right? 
> 
> “I know, my love,” Magnus said quietly, “but you shouldn’t.” 
> 
> “I don’t have a choice,” Alec said.
> 
> “You always have a choice,” Magnus said. 
> 
> Alec balled his fists in the sheets. “Just come home, baby.”
> 
> “It’s too late for that.”
> 
> “It’s not too late. Just tell me where you are and I’ll figure it out. I can’t do this without you. Just, come home, please, Magnus. I miss you, Madzie misses you. All of us miss you.” Alec paused to steady his voice, “I—I need you.”
> 
> “Alexander, there isn’t anything to figure out.” Magnus’ voice was so tender. 
> 
> “Then why’d you call?”
> 
> Silence.
> 
> “Magnus?” Alec stared at the bright red numbers counting up the seconds on their alarm clock. After a bit, his voice came through but as if from farther away.
> 
> “Alexander,” Magnus sighed, “I missed your voice.”
> 
> Alec closed his eyes. “Please,” he said, his voice hoarse. “Please just—”
> 
> “You’ve made me so happy, Alec. More than you can know.”
> 
> “Magnus,” Alec pleaded. “Wait—”
> 
> The line disconnected. 

  
Alec’s eyes shot open and his entire being felt weighed down by the heaviest kind of coldness.

"I want to fix this; I have to, I need him back," He'd told Catarina on one of the days he managed to answer his phone again. Catarina had waited for him to finish sobbing and then sighed, her response had been brief, painful to hear and achingly honest.

"This is much bigger than anything magic can fix. I'm sorry, Alec."

Everyone was sorry, but no one really understood. Alec had just had one of the only lights of his life extinguished forever.

* * *

“Are you sure?” Magnus said, his lips against Alec’s. “I just want you to be sure.”

“Magnus,” Alec huffed, “I’m sure.”

“It could get ugly,” Magnus said, letting Alec press him up against the wall while he mouthed his way down Alec’s neck. “The trade deal is working smoothly but if the neo-Circle gets a hold of our plans on top of desegregation of the academies, it’ll just fuel their propaganda against our favour.”

“So, we won’t invite them,” Alec said. His hands were working their way under Magnus’ shirt, sliding up his back, fingernails digging in.

“And the Cabinet?”

“Fuck the Cabinet,” Alec said, pulling Magnus closer. “The Nephilims really aren’t as inflexible as you might think,” Alec grinned.

Magnus caught his drift and smirked, “That is a claim I’d like to test right now.”

“But.” Alec continued, “You may be right. There are many references and they’ll all confirm it’s not a smart move to have a public wedding in this climate.”

Magnus hummed against Alec’s mouth.

“The real problem is me. I’m a bad idea.”

Magnus pulled back. “A bad idea, huh?”

“Really bad,” Alec said, “I’m a bit of a disaster.”

Magnus leaned forward and caught Alec’s lips again, hard and fast and sweet, and then he grinned.

“You know what I think, Alexander?" Magnus said, and not for the last time Alec saw the whole world in his eyes. "I think it just might be worth it.”

* * *

**II**

The room was cold and dark, and empty. 

Alec had been close enough to hear the explosion, to see the blood dripping down the stairs, to choke on its scent. They had taken him away, first for his safety, what with being in the blast radius and all, and then, as the panic ebbed and the yellow tape went up, for some “routine questioning” as Meliorn had put it, cringing sympathetically. Alec had heard them whisper as he passed by, behind that one-way mirror in the interrogation room, and from that, and something deep inside, he’d _known_. 

A person—a warlock, even—could only lose so much blood. 

Layers of brown—not white, downworlder tradition—were laid out on a gunmetal grey table for no one to see. Alec took a step forward, and then another, his hands numb, his mouth dry. 

He’d known, from the whispers, and the look on Jace’s face and the hollowness in Isabelle’s eyes and Clary’s quiet sobs from where she stood huddled with Simon in a corner.

As Alec took the final steps, his legs like lead, he realized that this was a new kind of knowing. This was the kind of knowing he would feel every morning when he woke up, the kind that would keep him awake every night for the rest of his life. The kind of knowledge he felt he deserved for _not being here_. 

Magnus’s eyes were closed, still sparkling from the blue glitter. Alec smiled weakly.

“I thought we had won this fight,” Alec said, the words spilling out of his mouth before he could stop them. “I thought we could get them to see reason earlier. I thought, by Raziel, finally, I could do something that I knew was right, something that wasn’t just about me. Something meaningful for the years of unimaginable hurt, something for you, Magnus—”

His voice finally broke. Alec reached out, his hand hovering over Magnus’ cerulean edged hair. It was messy, caked with blood, and he wanted to fix it, he wanted to smooth it down and—

He touched Magnus’ cold hand. 

“And I—,” Alec whispered hoarsely. “I had no idea. I have been so blind. I had not thought about the consequences. And it’s over now.”

He collapsed on his knees next to Magnus.

“And you know what?” he said quietly. “It wasn’t worth it. Nothing is worth this. Nothing is worth losing you.”

* * *

> Dear husband,
> 
> Lydia and Meliorn have been really proactive about plans to rehabilitate the non-segregated students. It’s supposed to be my job and I should speak to Lydia about the details. About whatever happens next. I need a plan. I need a drink. I need you. I'm scared. I wish you were here to tell me what to do. I don't know what to do.
> 
> How does anyone do anything? 

Alec tossed the napkin in the bin after he had paid for his coffee.

* * *

Alec was staring at Magnus. That in itself wouldn’t have been unusual except tonight, there was a peculiar intensity in his eyes that prompted Magnus to ask, "What is it?"

Alec was quiet for a beat, then "Nothing in particular." There was a smile beginning to break from the lopsided quirk of his mouth.

"Tell me," Magnus said, emphasizing his intention by placing his hand over Alec's wedding rune, which they had drawn on Alec together not an hour ago.

"No, it's just—it's silly . . .”

Magnus waited for him.

"I just don’t want this moment to end.” Alec said, “I miss us, our existence in this moment right now, even before it has ended. I mean, I know it doesn’t make sense—" he sighed "I already miss touching you."

"That,” Magnus said, “is very easily remedied, husband,” he leaned in to run his mouth on Alec’s wedding rune.

"I know," Alec said, his breath hitching, "it's silly—"

"Alexander,” Magnus cut him off, kissing him, “I'm not going anywhere." He said fondly. Like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

And before Alec could reply, Magnus' shut him up by kissing him like he meant business.

* * *

_don't wake me yet_  
_don't take me yet_  
_between the wars we stay_  
_a fading echo spinning away_  
_lost in memory  
lost in memory_

* * *

**III**

When Alec drags himself back home and later, reluctantly into the shower after work, he feels the exhaustion rising in wisps of steam off of his body. He leans back into the cool marble wall, letting the warm water beat down on him. It does nothing to make him feel less tired. Unwittingly, his gaze is drawn towards the cabinet where Magnus keeps—kept—his homebrew shampoo. The walls begin to close around him and Alec hurriedly steps out of the shower. Resting his hands on the basin he peers into the mirror, the skin around his eyes dark from not sleeping. Alec closes his eyes, steadies himself, Magnus’ gentle voice counts to twenty. Alec breathes in and out. Again and again, until his vision clears and he can hear the running water. He then turns off the water before leaving the bathroom.

At night Alec clutches on to their shared bedding—recently shared bedding—desperately against himself. He feels the silk of the crème sheets against his naked skin. Inhaling deeply, Alec smells Magnus on them. Smells his spicy sandalwood scent, recalls the light prickle of his hair beneath his chin, the sense of his ageless skin, soft and warm and pliable. Alec feels himself grow stiff. He buries his nose in Magnus’ empty pillow, forgetting the world surrounding him. Ever so slightly, he moves his hips against the slipperiness of their mattress.

He could swear he feels Magnus' gentle but urgent hands on him, around him. Alec stiffens further and now his movements are faster. He exhales into the pillow, feeling the hot, slick movement of Magnus' hand working him and the ever-so-slight bite of his silver rings that Alec enjoys. He can't help himself when he feels Magnus' mouth at the nape of his neck, humid and all sharp teeth and wet tongue. Alec's movements grow urgent.

It's only moments later when he grunts his release and moves to lie flat on his back, staring blankly at the elaborate netting of their—his—bedding. He stares and stares, quietly touching the empty space beside him, now a bit cold. Feeling the haze of pleasure disappear, Alec feels as if that coldness is slowly edging into his heart, coiling through his veins. He feels his eyes burn and then, tears stream down.

* * *

The mornings don't feel kind to Alec anymore. The sunlight streaming through the loft's curtains traces ghosts of Magnus. Now that Alec thinks about it, Magnus spent a lot of time hanging around the windows, coffee or drink in hand, with a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth as Alec would make his way towards him. Magnus had lived—what Alec imagined to be forever, but he seemed to find delight in the most mundane things in life. Alec, most of all, felt most undeserving of the kind of generosity Magnus so easily showed him. His chest tightened. Involuntarily, he reached for a pen and fished out a notepad.

Right then, he heard the doorbell ring. Alec hesitated for a while before giving in and getting up to unlock it.

"I'm here to make you pancakes!" Isabelle exclaimed and rushed in, Jace in tow. “Clary and Simon will get here soon, they are taking a little detour for ice-cream!”

Despite himself, Alec felt the beginnings of a genuine smile tug at his lips. 

"Don't worry, I'll be the one actually doing the cooking," Jace assured him. 

"Oh, thank the Angel!" Alec laughed softly, relieved.

"Hey!" Izzy pouted.

"What are you doing?" Izzy asked, following him to the bedroom and glancing at the notepad strewn on the bed.

"Nothing.” Alec said immediately, “Just a . . . thing," he added.

"Okay," Izzy didn't push, "Come join us,” she sniffed the air for the telltale scent of vanilla wafting in from the kitchen. “Whenever you're ready,” she added meaningfully.

"I'll be right there," Alec called back, and hurriedly scribbled on the pad. 

> Dear husband,
> 
> I love you.
> 
> Forever yours,
> 
> Alexander.

Only this time, he doesn’t throw the page away.

**Author's Note:**

> please stay home, stay safe and healthy!


End file.
